


Mean Boys

by avadakebullshit



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mean Girls Fusion, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Mean Girls References, Modern AU, i guess, i had an idea and this happened, this fic is a MESS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21531979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avadakebullshit/pseuds/avadakebullshit
Summary: It's mean girls, except the girls are boys and Remus Lupin is infuriatingly in love with Sirius Black
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 59





	Mean Boys

**Author's Note:**

> yeah this is my first fic on here so all comments and criticism are appreciated

Remus Lupin was new. He had just moved from Africa, where he’d spent the majority of his life laughing, learning and growing up. But now his parents’ work was done and he was back in England, and more lost than ever

∾

James Potter was spoiled. He had big hair which stuck up in random directions, and deceptively-innocent brown eyes. He always got whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. And he was not one you’d want to cross, because believe me, his father, the inventor of Sleekeazy’s hair potion, will hear about it.

Peter Pettigrew was plain stupid. He once asked Marlene McKinnon how to spell ‘orange’ and believed his ass could tell when it was raining. It definitely couldn’t. He was blond and had a permanently gormless look about him, emphasised by too-big blue eyes and a pink mouth that was almost always open.

And Sirius Black was gorgeous. Even Remus couldn’t deny that. He had smooth ebony hair which fell to his shoulders in perfect waves, and blue-grey eyes framed with dark lashes that, when the light was right, looked like pools of mercury. There was just one problem with Sirius Black: he was a stone cold bitch. His hair was insured for 1000 galleons, and he once punched Dorcas Meadowes in the face. It was awesome.

Which is why Remus was surprised and slightly dismayed to find himself opposite all three of them on his second day ever of Hogwarts, much to the delight of his new and basically only friend, Lily Evans. Lily was quite nice, he’d decided. She was also scary.

The morning of his second day started like the first: he was alone and confused. He sat behind Davey Gudgeon, who farted almost constantly. But then Lily tapped him on the shoulder and introduced herself, and it got a bit better.

∾

“Hey, new kid. I’m Lily. Lily Evans.” She held out her hand and he shook it, slightly terrified but also hopeful at the prospect of having someone to talk to. She had flaming red hair and the most startling green eyes that Remus had only ever seen in the comics he used to read. 

“I’m Remus.”

“I know. Oh, and this is Marlene. She’s almost too gay to function,” she said, gesturing behind her to a light haired girl who was nodding in agreement. 

“You see, this is the colour I want,” Marlene said, pointing at Remus’ hair, while Lily rolled her eyes. He had always hated his hair. It was a boring brown colour with random streaks of gold, and it was always too long and fell in his eyes because he was never bothered to cut it. But Marlene seemed to like it, which was something, he guessed.

“Nice wig, Evans,” a random jock-type yelled at Lily. “What’s it made of?” He laughed at his own joke.

Lily raised a dark arched eyebrow in a way that diminished him slightly. “Your mum’s chest hair,” she replied unwaveringly, and the guy skulked away.

She looked at Remus and smirked. “Nice meeting you.”

∾

“Why don’t I know you?” Sirius asked, James and Peter unashamedly staring at this stranger, not really knowing what to do.

“I’m new here. I just moved from Africa.”

Sirius beamed. “That’s really interesting.” Remus smiled back.

“It’s fetch,” James said.

Sirius looked at him questioningly. “What’s ‘fetch’?”

“Oh, it’s slang. From America.”

Sirius shrugged and turned back to Remus, who was gazing quite bewilderedly at whatever this encounter was. 

The next question came from Peter: “If you’re from Africa, why are you white?”

Remus glanced over his shoulder to see Lily and Marlene shaking with uncontrollable laughter from a nearby table. “I… um…”

“Peter!” Sirius laughed, showing off his perfect teeth. “You can’t just ask people why they’re white.”

Peter shrunk into his polo-shirt and smiled bashfully.

“Hey, could you give us some privacy for a second?”

Remus nodded and turned to face Lily on the table behind. He shrugged quizzically, while Lily just shook her head.

“Okay, so you should know that we don’t do this a lot, but we have decided to let you sit with us for a whole week.” He smiled like he was expecting to be thanked. “On Wednesdays, we wear pink.”

Remus nodded. “Okay.” He needed to find something pink. 

“Coolness.”

∾

“You  _ have  _ to do it,” Lily cackled, climbing through the hole the Fat Lady had left. Remus had been sorted into Gryffindor upon arrival, but had a separate dorm to the other boys. There wasn’t any space for him. “And then you have to tell me all the horrible things Sirius says.”

Remus sighed. “I don’t know. Sirius seems sweet.”

“Sirius Black is not sweet,” Lily snapped. “He’s a scum-sucking road whore! He ruined my life.”

“He’s fabulous but he’s evil,” Marlene added, nodding furiously.

“Why do you hate him?”

“What do you mean?”

“Sirius, you seem to really hate him.”   
  


Lily scowled. 

“It’s because when we were younger, he started this rumour that-” Marlene started, but Lily cut her off.

“Let’s not go into that. I just think it would be a fun thing to do. Mess around a little, you know?” She smiled. “We need to get you pink clothes.”

∾

Remus was back at the ‘Marauders’ table the next day. Everyone called them the Marauders because they were always sneaking around for new information.

It was Wednesday, so Remus was sporting a slightly too big, pink, quidditch top. He’d asked Lily if she had anything pink he could borrow but only got an exasperated look in reply. Luckily, Marlene’s Quidditch team had pink uniforms. 

Peter was wearing robes, which were bright magenta in colour. They weren’t very flattering at all but because he was popular, everyone was tricked into thinking he looked good anyway.

James, on the other hand, was wearing an obviously very expensive, pink suit type thing which perfectly complemented his dark hair. It was quite formal for a normal Wednesday, Remus thought, but if you had wealth, you had to show it off, right?

And Sirius… Sirius looked amazing. He was wearing a deep rose crop top that on anyone else would look stupid, but it just… suited him. And the strip of exposed skin was just a bonus. Remus couldn’t help but stare. 

“So,” Sirius said. “Anyone you’ve got your eye on yet? Because we can help with that, you know.” He winked playfully, turning Remus to jelly. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to find guys attractive, let alone someone he ought to have hated.

“Um.. there is someone I suppose. A girl in my Arithmancy class.” A lie.

“You take Arithmancy?” James asked. “I’ve not seen you in my classes.”

Oh,” Remus replied, blushing. “I take NEWT level classes.”

James’ eyes widened. “Wow. You must be smart.”

“So she’s older then?” Peter asked eagerly.

“What? Oh. I guess so.”

Sirius leaned in, and whispered. “Who is it then?”

There wasn’t really an Arithmancy girl. But Remus vaguely remembered the name Mary from somewhere. “It’s Mary.”

Sirius made a face that resembled one a baby would make when sucking on a lemon for the first time. James and Peter just looked scared. “Mary Macdonald?” 

Who knows? Remus thought. 

“Yes,” Remus said. 

Sirius raised a perfect eyebrow. “She’s not older.”

Remus flushed again. “Oh, she must be in another of my classes.”

“Anyway, you can't date her.”

“Why not.”

“She’s my ex.”

“Oh.” So Sirius liked girls then. Not that he was interested, or gay for that matter. Just an observation, that’s all. “Anyone else off limits?”

“Well you can’t date Evans because James is in love with her, apparently. I think she’s a bitch.”

James punched Sirius playfully. “Oi. She’s not a bitch.”

“She definitely is.”

“She seems alright to me,” Remus said. 

“Lupin,” Sirius said. “Did I not just say you’re  _ not  _ allowed to like her?”

“I don’t like her,” Remus mumbled, steadily going pinker.

“Oh,” Peter chimed in. “You also can’t go out with Marlen McKinnon either, because she’s a lesbian.”

“I know, she’s almost too gay to function,” Remus laughed. Oh no. Maybe that was only okay when Lily said it. Even so, he received appreciative chuckles from the others, so he batted his fears away.

“And Dorcas Meadowes, Emmeline Vance, or any of the Black sisters are also off limits,” James said.

“And why is that?”

“Because Sirius has shagged Dorcas and Emmeline, and the Blacks are not only related to Sirius but are also actually evil.”

Sirius nodded.

“So,” Remus said slowly. “I can’t date any of the girls. I guess I’ll have to date guys then.” 

He wasn’t gay. He wasn’t.

The Marauders looked uncomfortable. Sirius let out a “Ha!” before blushing and looking slightly disgusted with himself. Remus wanted a hole to open up beneath him. 

“So I guess guys are a no then,” Remus joked nervously. 

Sirius nodded. “I guess so.” He was looking at Remus inquisitively. There was a strange glint in his eye that Remus couldn’t quite figure out.

∾

After his final lesson of the day, Potions, which he had decided he hated, Remus was invited to ‘hang’ in the Marauders’ dorm. He was uncomfortably slumped on Sirius’ bed, not really knowing how to sit in front of them. James and Sirius were… well, spooning or something that didn’t look entirely heterosexual but he supposed that was just what friends did when they had known each other for a long time. Peter was lying on the floor. They were all chucking down Firewhisky like nobody’s business.

The silence was punctured every so often by a remark from either Peter or James, i.e. “Didn’t Lily look fine today?”, met by a non-committal grunt from Sirius.

It was normal. Even slightly boring. The only thing which made it worth attending was the opportunity to stare at Sirius. Straightly. Little did Remus know, Sirius was staring right back at him.

∾

Remus was in Lily and Marlene’s dormitory. He wasn’t quite sure how he had achieved this feat, as he was sure that boys couldn’t get into girl’s dormitories. Hogwarts: A History, doesn’t lie after all. But somehow he was there, perched awkwardly on the edge of Marlene’s bed, listening to Lily monologue about something or other.

“- and that is why wizarding government sucks and should be eliminated entirely and started over,” she finished, looking very pleased with herself. “Anyway. Remus. What are they like?”

“Who?” Remus blinked stupidly. “Oh, them.”

“Well,” Lily prompted. Marlene leaned forward in genuine interest.

“Well, they were normal.” Remus shrugged. “Boring, even.”

“But what did they do? What did they say?”

“They drank Firewhisky and talked about girls. James likes you, by the way.”

Lily rolled her eyes. She was quite talented at it. “I know. He tells me twice and hour. It’s most annoying. Especially with what Sirius did, well-” She stopped herself.

“Pardon me for asking, but what exactly  _ did  _ Sirius do?”

“Oh, nothing worth talking about,” Lily said indifferently. For something not worth talking about, it was being brought up an awful lot. Nevertheless, Remus kept quiet. He had too little friends to upset the few he had. 

“Okay.”

∾

The week passed and Remus just about survived, somehow. He expected his trial with the Marauders was over, and he hadn’t managed to do any of the things Lily had tried to encourage him to do. No foot cream or weight gain, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Whether it was non-gay attraction to Sirius Black or whether the Marauders just weren’t as bad as they were supposed to be. He couldn’t. But then some things happened.

∾

The first thing wasn’t too bad. Remus had passed the test and was now a somewhat official Marauder. He needed some more pink clothes.

He’d spend each day with the Marauders, quietly observing and trying to ignore his growing crush on Sirius. It wasn’t his fault. Sirius was the kind of person you want to like you. He was funny, ruthless, charming, and sometimes surprisingly sweet. When he wasn’t fawning over his hair and making fun of his friends, he was helping Peter with schoolwork or giving James advice. So yeah, it wasn’t Remus’ fault. And he wasn’t entirely as straight as he thought he was. And he was rather embarrassed about that, especially when he remembered the others’ reaction to even the notion of a guy and a guy. He tried not to think about that. 

But all in all it wasn’t a crappy deal. Until one day it all went horribly wrong. 

The day started out normal. He ate lunch with the Marauders and spent his afternoon off with Lily and Marlene. It was Wednesday, so he was wearing pink, which was decidedly not his colour, according to Lily. Remus didn’t mind it.

That evening, he was back in the Marauders dorm, and he found out what it was that Sirius did to Lily all those years ago.

Remus leaned back in a deep burgundy armchair. Empty bottles of Firewhisky littered the carpet. Sirius had had the most by far, but Remus wasn’t too far off either. Despite never having really drunk before, he found the burning sensation of the liquid down his throat strangely comforting.

“So, James,” Remus started, the alcohol giving him more confidence to ask questions. “You and Lily, huh?”

He flushed. “I wish.”

Remus laughed. It sounded strange. Not like him.

“Can we just shut up about Lily for once,” Sirius groaned, slapping James softly across the face, in a drunken kind of way.

“Wait, wait,” Remus said. “What actually happened between you guys? Lily won’t say a word of it.”

“Oh,” Sirius began, stretching as sitting up, like it was storytime. “Well, way back in first year, she really pissed me off because, like, she was a bitch.”

James rolled his eyes dramatically and sighed.

“Well she was friends with this guy, Snivellus, well, Severus, and he was a total prick so… I assumed that she was too and boy was I right, so I started this rumour…”

Remus was sat up, fully alert. He was finally getting some goddamn answers. “What did you say?”

Sirius laughed. “I mean, I feel awful about it now, no matter how much I dislike her, but… I told everyone that she was a werewolf. Everyone hated her. Wouldn’t talk to her or anything.” 

Remus froze. Shit shit shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. Shit.

He hadn’t even fucking transformed at Hogwarts, and already this  _ had _ to happen. Shit.

Peter and James were chucking appreciatively at the memory. No one noticed Remus silently dying of shame in the corner. 

“Oh, it was pretty funny,” James laughed. “I was so annoyed with you at the time. I wanted her to be impressed with me, and you kind of ruined my chance there.”

“Hey, I knew what was best for you. Anyway, it’s not my fault she thinks me and you are basically one malicious being.”

Remus’ throat closed up. He couldn’t breathe. This was too much for a Friday evening. Too much for any evening, to be honest. 

He stood up, shaking. “I- I’ve got to go.”

Sirius looked up. “Hey, what’s up?”

Remus was angry. Furious even. That he had the  _ audacity _ to act like he cared, his eyes all wide and innocent. When he was just like everybody else. A piece of shit. An annoyingly attractive piece of shit. Not that that mattered now. He was too pissed off. And upset. And any other words that mean irate or depressed.

“Yeah,” he said, more aggressively than he meant. Sirius was frowning. Remus was fuming. “I have a lot of homework to do.” And he left, leaving Sirius, James and Peter to question what on earth had happened to him.

∾

Another week passed. Remus transformed. It sucked. The pain was torture, like being ripped from his own body. And in the morning, he was alone. It was what he was expecting but it hurt. He was never alone back in Africa. He had his parents, his friends. It was warm, and comforting, instead of cold and empty. He went to lessons like normal, being careful to blatantly ignore Sirius and the rest of the Marauders. 

He sat with Lily and Marlene at lunch, and it was good. It was easy. They talked about life and school and guys and girls, and it was normal. The Marauders weren’t mentioned. Remus told them he got sick of hanging out with such stuck up little brats. They believed him. It was good.

In fact, they believed him so much, they thought it would be funny to play a small prank on the Marauders, to bring them down a peg or two. 

“What can I do? I’m rubbish at pranks,” Remus whined. He didn’t really want to do anything. He didn’t want to see them at all. 

“I’m brilliant at pranks. We’ll come up with something.”

After just five minutes of brainstorming, Lily and Marlene came up with the ultimate plan: cut the nipples out of the Marauders’ shirt. 

“No! That’s- that’s- that’s not good.”

“I agree. It’s not good. It’s amazing,” Lily cackled. 

“You have to do it Remus. You said it. They’re horrible. This is punishment,” Marlene encouraged him. 

“I never said they were horrible,” Remus mumbled. 

“Blah blah blah. You’re doing it.”

The next day, all three Marauders had quidditch practise. James played Chaser, Sirius played Beater, and Peter was reserve Keeper. He wasn’t very good. But Remus took this opportunity to sneak into the changing rooms, with scissors, as he didn’t know the spell for cutting things yet, and he snipped holes in all of their clothes.

And then he run off to go and laugh with LIly and Marlene.

The next day was pretty much torture. For some strange and unexplained reason, all of the Marauders didn’t mind the holes in their clothes, and wore them anyway. Which meant that Remus didn’t just have to deal with Sirius wearing those goddamn crop tops, but also his fucking nipples. Why did he do this again?

Soon enough, everyone was cutting holes in their shirts, which was insane. Everywhere you looked, there was someone showing their nipples, or an undershirt. It was mad. 

Of course, Lily and Marlene found the whole thing hilarious.

“Do people not know how stupid they look,” Marlene giggled. They were possibly the only three people in the whole of Hogwarts, excluding most of the teacher, to not be wearing this new trend.

“Nope. People are stupid.”

Remus nodded. He’d had Potions that morning. It was extremely difficult not to stare at Sirius, what with everything going on. He sometimes forgot he was furious at him, and had to fight the urge to go over and talk to him, or perhaps something a little more friendly. 

He had to say, this was not how he’d planned things at all.

∾

It was the Friday after it happened, and Remus was sitting in Lily and Marlene’s dorm. It being the whole werewolf thing, of course.

“He didn’t,” Marlene cackled. “That’s  _ insane _ .”

Lily chuckled. “I know. James Potter has officially lost his mind.”

Remus was laughing too. For all his flaws, James really had some nerve. “What did you say?”

“I told him to sod off, of course.”

“I bet he loved that.”

A faint tapping noise on the window. It was an owl, with a note. A note which was addressed to Remus.

It read:

_ Hey _

_ I don’t know why you’ve suddenly run off on us but I think we should talk. Meet me outside by the quidditch changing rooms, tomorrow at 6. _

_ -James _

Remus tensed. “It’s James.”

Lily laughed. “Maybe he’s going to ask you out.”

“Ha ha. But it’s weird, right?”

“Super weird,” Marlene agreed. “Maybe he wants to try and convince you to buy some Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion.”

“Maybe,” Remus said. This was all too confusing. He didn’t want to talk to James. Preferably, he didn’t want to speak or talk to any of them again. Especially Sirius.

∾

When Remus reached the quidditch changing rooms the next day, James was already there, leaning against the wall, grooming himself.

He felt it was probably necessary to see what James wanted. And James wasn’t Sirius. It didn’t hurt as much. He had liked James and Peter. But he had different feelings for Sirius.

“Hey.”

James looked up, surprised. “Hey. I didn’t expect you to actually come.”

“Well, here I am.”

“Look, I don’t know what it is that we did, but we’re sorry.”

“We, being..?”

James rolled his eyes. “Me, Peter and Sirius. Duh.”

“If you don’t know what it is, then how can you be sorry?”

“Because I know that we’re idiots and whatever we did will have been stupid and entirely preventable.”

Remus sighed. “You’re right.”

“We miss you Remus. You were fun when you weren’t being all quiet. You were great drunk.”

Remus laughed in disbelief. “I don’t know if I can forgive you.”

“Can you at least tell me what we did.”

Remus tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He couldn’t tell James. He couldn’t. Even Lily didn’t know. He didn’t trust James. He couldn’t, could he?

“I- I’m a…” He couldn’t. “I-” He couldn’t. “I’m a… I’m a werewolf, okay.” 

He could. Apparently. And now he felt sick.

James stayed silent. He didn’t look shocked, perse. He looked sad. He looked ashamed. 

“I- I don’t know what to say.”

“Do you know how it feels?” Remus whispered. “You used who I am to insult, and turn against someone. What if it were me? And you were right?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Remus was heating up, angrier, and angrier. “I’m a monster. I know that. I hate it. But what I hate more is people who are supposed to like me thinking that too. Lily was right about you. All of you.”   
  


James frowned. “What do you mean? Right about me? I don’t think you’re a monster. I think you’re a great person. With, I don’t know… a furry little problem.” He laughed, unsure of himself.

And although he really shouldn’t be, Remus felt himself relaxing. Because James was comforting, in a way. He was a good person. Sure, he was full of himself, and spoiled, and arrogant, and everything else. But he was good.

“It was hard to hear. Sirius saying that.”

“I can imagine.”

“I’m sorry," a new voice said.

Remus felt his stomach drop to the floor. It was Sirius. 

“I didn’t know. Well, obviously. But for the record, I was a stupid little eleven year old, who knew absolutely nothing. And I’m sorry. It was shit. I was shit. Still am. I’m a work in progress.” He smiled slightly. Everything felt way too intense.

Sirius was leaning on the door frame. He looked good. Of course Remus would notice that. Maybe he was a little gay. And maybe that was what made it so easy to forgive him. He didn’t even know why he was angry anymore. They didn’t hate him. And that was great.

“You were pretty shit. But it’s not like you could’ve known. I didn’t exactly tell you. I didn’t speak much.”

Sirius laughed. “You were great fun. Especially when you were drunk.”

“Please be friends with us again, Remus. We miss you. And Peter too. I don’t know where he’s got to,” James added.

“Okay. But no werewolf jokes, because I swear to Merlin, I will snap.”

“Wait, that wasn’t snapping?”

∾

“So you’re all friends again?” Lily smirked. “I thought they were too stuck-up for you.”

Marlene laughed. Remus was once again in the girls’ dorm. He didn’t seem to really ever leave, aside from lessons. 

“Yep. They aren’t too terrible.”

“Are you ever gonna tell us the real reason you went all moody on them?”

Remus blushed. Why did Lily have to be so goddamn smart. “I found out what they did to you. I’m a werewolf by the way.”

Both Lily and Marlene’s mouths dropped in identically shocked expressions. Marlene even dropped her Firewhisky, ignoring as it seeped into the plush red carpet.

“Did you just tell us you’re a werewolf?”

Remus shrugged, nonchalantly, like he wasn’t absolutely terrified of their reactions. “Yep.”

Lily mirrored his shrug. “Okay.”

“Cool,” Marlene said. Remus beamed.

∾

Remus was in the Marauders dorm. But James and Peter were nowhere to be found.

It was weird between him and Sirius, what with Remus’ crush and subsequent awkwardness, and Sirius’ guilt for the whole werewolf thing. But it was getting better. One could even say that they were becoming close friends. They made each other laugh. They had a good time.

“Hey,” Remus nodded coolly at Sirius, who was sitting cross-legged on his bed. His hair looked freshly washed, and he was wearing an oversized quidditch jumper. He looked pretty cute, Remus thought. He always thought that. He was, he had decided, quite gay.

“Hi. Come sit.” Sirius gestured vaguely in front of him. Remus sat down hesitantly. “I need to talk to you.”

“What’s up?” 

“Well, I don’t know if you remember, but the first time you sat with us, you said something about dating guys.”

Fuck. Did he have to be outed again? By Sirius Black? And his own stupidity? Of course he fucking did.

“It was a joke. I swear.”

Sirius’ face fell, but he covered it up with a smile. “Oh. Okay. Well, just to let you know, I’m not opposed to you dating guys. Just to let you know. Just in case you thought I was weirded out by it. I’m not. And neither are Peter or James.”

“Um.. okay?”

Sirius sat up abruptly, his hair falling into his face. He pushed it out of his eyes and took a deep breath. “Fuck it. I’m gay. James and Peter know. And now you do.”

“Wow,” Remus said, like he wasn’t having secret dance party celebration in his head. “Cool.”

“You aren’t homophobic, are you?” he asked, concerned.

Remus shook his head desperately. “More the opposite really.”

“Wait.” Sirius’ eyes widened. “You mean…”

“Yep.” It was easier to admit when someone else had already done the job for him.

“When did you know?”

Remus decided there wasn’t anything to lose. “When I met you.” His voice shook. He looked down. He didn’t want to see what Sirius’s face was doing.

Which meant that he wasn’t to see Sirius leaning in, staring intensely at Remus. His eyes looked bluer, somehow. Until they were closed and his lips were on Remus’ and Remus forgot how to breathe. He was very gay. And it was good. It was very good, in fact. And it was worth everything. 

∾

So yes, James may have been spoiled. And his hair may have been messy and big. But he was also kind, and he cared about his friends.

And Peter may have been stupid. ‘Orange’, for Merlin’s sake. Not a difficult word. But he was fun and excitable and a great person to be around.

And Sirius may have been too good-looking for his own good. But he was Remus’ and Remus was his. 

And Remus Lupin may have been new. But he was happier than he had ever been. And that counted for something, he thought.


End file.
